Watching.

Something i've gotten used to in the past week. Watching. Watching TV, watching practice, watching countless Redbox movies, and now watching games. I can't do a whole lot with mono, so i sit, and watch. Last night was the worst thing i've watched yet. The Bellbrook game. Bellbrook is good, we tied them twice last year. This season i had a personal goal to beat them.. Twice. That goal was put off to the side when i realized i would be missing out on the first game. Bellbrook has always been our rivals. I watched the team play one of the best first halves ever, passing flawlessly and every ones hearts was in the game. It was still scoreless on both ends at half time. I wish i could say that we scored at the beginning of the second half, kept the lead and won in an amazing victory over Bellbrook. I wish i could say the team's spirits are high as we go into another game against a rival tonight. But i can't. We lost, 2-0. I don't know what happened, but we couldn't quite hold it together. Sitting watching is one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. Watching as the team crumbles after the first game, watching the team being pushed around by the ruthless Bellbrook girls. It's a helpless feeling. Now, i have to go watch another game tonight. My hopes are high. But honestly my hopes don't do a whole lot right now.
xoxo em.

Breaths

I knew it would happen. I would feel better, and still not be able to do anything. I feel better. I can't do anything. It's somewhat of an awful helpless feeling. When i ask to go to a party or if i can go running, and my mom gives me that look, that look that i know exactly what lecture she's about to give me, i have to just take breaths. In through the nose and out through the mouth. I have to continue this breathing throughout the whole lecture, which i have been hearing quite frequently. The one that starts out angry and frustrated, then slowly turns around to compassion and sympathy. "Now Emma, you can't do everything. You neeedd to decide what's important. It's ridiculous to think you are all of a sudden better, your not. I know hon, you want to go out and have fun. You will be able to soon. How about you go for only 1 hour then come home?" Hmph. Not exactly what i want, but it's a start. A couple of deep breaths, then an "okay, I'll be home in an hour." God bless my mother. She puts up with me 24/7. I'm probably not an easy daughter to have. Yea my friend's joke about how any mother would kill to have a daughter like me. On the outside, i do what I'm told,  and i get straight A's. But because I'm smart, I sometimes turn into a smart alec. I also know what i want, and i know the arguments to get me there too. But my mother handles me flawlessly and compassionately. She doesn't let me win too many arguments these days. She thinks long-term while i think here and now. I'm 16! what do you expect? She knows mono can turn into Epstein Bar, or CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome) or countless others if not treated properly. So I'm taking it slow, i feel 100% back to normal. My spleen doesn't though. Stupid spleen. Deep breaths... I went to practice today, all of practice. The first time in what feels like forever. A small accomplishment, but i had to sit and watch. No running, no playing, no nothing. I sat there and took deep breaths as i watched my teammates have fun and become better soccer players together. I'm jealous, highly. I'm getting better, and stronger. I went all day yesterday and didn't even have to take a nap. I'll keep going. I'll keep breathing.
xoxo em.

Passions.

People say when you have your first love you will know. The heavens will open up a light will shine down and a cheesy pop song will play in the background as you walk towards each other in slow motion. They also say that you will always love your first love. I knew when i found my first love. I still am head over heels in love too. I was 5. I actually fell in love with an old family friend, soccer. I've grown up around soccer all my life, and i wouldn't change it for anything. I've played since i was 5 and would play every day if i could. Soccer is my passion, it runs deep in my blood. Tonight i'm missing the first of approximately eight games this season. I can't help but be a little depressed that i wasn't even able to go watch my team. I had a feeling i wouldn't be able to make it today on account of how i felt when i woke up. My throat is almost swollen shut first thing in the morning, it's almost scary. I can't eat anything, even to swallow water burns like i'm swallowing acid. The worst part? there's nothing i nor the doctor can do about it. I just have to wait it out until my throat relaxes and i can swallow some Motrin. I fall asleep if i even close my eyes longer then a blink. I still tried to go to the game though. I would most likely be there if it wasn't for my mom. As much as it angers me that she's keeping me in this bubble so i get better faster, i know in the end she's right. My doctor said if i push to hard my mono could last even longer, or turn into something worse. So here i am, sitting anxiously by the phone for a text that has the final score on it. I love my team, and i miss them already! 2 days down. 26 to go.
xoxo em.

Perspective.

Have you ever seen those pictures in the "fun and games" section of magazines that show something really zoomed in, and you try to guess what the bigger picture is. I always got those wrong, it would be a zoomed in picture of a basketball, and i would think it was the Sahara Desert. Life is all about perspective, showing the bigger picture. I tend to forget that. I was told yesterday that i couldn't play soccer for 4 weeks. Almost half of the season. I have mono, which makes my spleen swell up and if someone where to hit me, it could burst then i'd die. So i guess it's not a bad idea to stay out of contact sports like the doctor said. But i was and still am, sort of am devastated. Soccer is my passion. To have my passion taken away from me, is hard. It's more then hard, it's awful. Honestly i'm not one to be lazy. Lazyness is what the doctor ordered. It's been a day, and i feel like a caged animal.That's why i'm doing this. this whole blogging thing. I doubt anyone will follow me, but i really don't care. I just want to be honest to someone, and be able to complain somewhere, which is what i will mostly be doing here, simply for the fact i hate complainers so my complaining will be done in secret (; . Anyways, perspective. It's a hard task to master, but with practice, it's coming. When the doctor sat there and explained to me how long i would be out, i was brought to tears. Then i started to think more rationally, it's only 4 weeks, and i can condition, just not play. I began to think about one of my friends, Sara. She was a runner, and a good one at that, not to mention one of the sweetest, most loving girls you will ever meet. Sara was diagnosed with M.E. a chronic fatigue syndrome, and she can't run anymore. This is a thing FOR LIFE not a measly 4 weeks. Her blog is actually amazing, you get to know her, her struggles, and her AMAZING perspective. whenieverfeelbetter.blogspot.com . She actually makes me feel silly for being upset over mono. She's strong, something i wish i could be more of some times. I'm working on seeing the bigger picture, having a better perspective, and just getting healthier with each day so i can be back on the field. A little perspective, a little smile and a lot of Tylenol goes a long way.
xoxo em.